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May 11, 2004

The Four Seasons of Bull Riding…

Adventures in Babysitting, Rodent Parties, and Dogs Gone Wild

There’s nothing like a bit of Vivaldi or a smart smack in the head by a 3,000 pound bull to really wake you up. But if that doesn’t work, just try house-sitting with four crazed canines, or babysitting a 9 month old rug rat that’s hell-bent on sleep deprivation. And in the unlikely event you still can’t keep your eyes open, experience the joys of inhaling massive amounts of “Bug Spot”, Pine-Sol, and Febreeze up your nasal passages, while cleaning the bejeezus out of an old trailer. Yes, it’s nothing but one exciting whirlwind down here in the valley, and there’s no end to the roller coaster thrills…so keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times…..

In true Hunter girl fashion, I continued to fill my dance card just about every weekend last month. Talk about your polar opposites; one Saturday evening I attended a Fresno Philharmonic performance of the “Four Seasons”, and the following Friday I found myself stomping around the Save Mart Center for the Professional Bull Riding Competition. I tell you what, those wacky cowpokes may have the cajones to ride them big snortin’ beasts, but they sure don’t have many left afterward…..ouch! I’ve a feeling many brain cells are destroyed, as face plants and split skulls are a good portion of the entertainment. Boy howdy! And since I was in the company of Jill and her good compadre Miss Stefani, we also annihilated a brain cell or two of our own by consuming mass quantities of Coors Lite. Hey it’s smarter than straddling a gigantic farm animal the size of a freight train, and hanging on for dear life by a piece of twine…..yikes!

Spring has sprung in the hinterland, bringing along with it all the sneezing, coughing, and watery eyes that can only mean official “allergy season” has arrived. I’ve a feeling Costco’s been stocking its gigantic pallets full of Kleenex, Visine and Allegra, just to keep the entire population of Fresno happy. AAACCHHHOOOO!!! In between nose-blowing, I’ve been spending lots of quality time with Flaming Ass Girl and the aptly named, “Cinderella”. This gal knows her way around a vacuum cleaner, and can mix you a cocktail, cook dinner, change your oil, and scour the kitchen sink, all at the same time. Cinderella and I recently spent a night babysitting for her cousin’s baby; he may not be very big, but boy, does he pack a wallop of a wail. With all that deafening SCREAMING going on, we patiently waited for the neighbors to call 911 and send a black and white to the door….“All right you two bimbos….step AWAY from the baby….”

But for sheer LOUD MADNESS, nothing really competes with a dwelling full of barking, snapping, growling, drooling, ball-chasing, biscuit-chomping, poop-flinging mutts. Dog-sitting for Flaming Ass Girl is probably the most underrated and unpopular of challenges ever conceived. It takes bravery to a whole new level. It gives courage a completely different meaning. As a matter of fact, if it was offered on “Fear Factor”, the contestants would undoubtedly choose eating maggoty cheese or bungee jumping off the Eiffel Tower. It’s pretty horrible honey. It’s damn near terrifying. It’s like spending three days on a jackhammer. The noise level is EAR SPLITTING! It’s MIND BLOWING! It’s GLASS SHATTERING! At one point, I do believe they broke the sound barrier. The only salvation could be found in a) one large box of Milk Bones to keep the dogs silent, and b) an even larger bottle of vodka, to keep ME from throwing myself on the nearest steak knife….I tell you, it was INSANE….

But being on the edge of sanity DOES have its perks. For example, your friends find it quite easy to talk you into some pretty stupid things. Which would be the reason why Cinderella was able to coerce me, with only the promise of cocktails, into assisting in the mass destruction of germs at her new digs. And by that, I mean a 30 foot motor home way the ding dang out in No Man’s Land, somewhere between Madera and Kerman. It was painfully obvious this casa on wheels had been vacant for some time, due to the amazing amount of what could only be determined as the result of many a rodent party. Lots of little “packages” tucked away under a sofa and haphazardly strewn about the kitchen drawers……we almost expected to find some tiny lampshades…..geez, they could have at LEAST refilled the ice trays. But thanks to some heavy duty cleaning supplies, and a couple smart beverages, we whipped the ol’ gal into shape (the motor home, not Kerry). It’s amazing how well Mr. Clean mixes with Smirnoff…..

Posted by Wendy at 10:18 PM | Comments (5)