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January 26, 2005

SPRING LOADED MOP

I bet a lot of people don't even know that Fresno has its very own Philharmonic Orchestra. Really. I'm not kidding. And a pretty damn good one, I might add. Throw in some truly talented guest performers, and you've got yourself a real live cultural experience, by golly. This past Saturday, I was privileged to see the wonderful Canadian violinist, Corey Cerovsek. Of course the fact that he's 33 but looks about 18 on stage, made the experience even more interesting. He reminded me of that Tom Hanks character at the end of "BIG", when he was standing in the middle of the street, with his huge suit bundled about him. He's just a kid, but inside, he's older than his years.

And to be quite honest, this is one gorgeous musician. He has that tight mop of springy Shirley Temple curls that kids at 9 hate, but as soon as they hit puberty, it's the coolest thing since American Idol's Justin Guarini hit the television screen. You could almost hear the collective cooing and swoons from the female members of the audience. Unfortunately, Mr. Cerovsek does happen to scarily resemble an old boyfriend that my roommate and I BOTH dated for about a minute. Long story.....a whole other Oprah.

But watching this virtuoso on stage, before displaying his amazing dexerity, I had to wonder......what the HELL is he thinking? The poor guy has to wait a good 5 or 6 minutes before his solo begins, so in the meantime, what can he do? He’s just, well, standing there trying to look casual. The audience is just as confused, pretending to watch the string section, when they really can't take their eys off the featured artist. Gazing out over the patient crowd, checking his bow, wiping his sweaty palms on his pants...what is going through his brain? Let's face it; it's an awkward moment. I like to think he's pondering some really important things like, did I remember my hotel key? Did I tip the chauffer enough? Is that hottie in the 3rd row really a blonde? Did that wrinkle in my tux ever come out? Could these damn spotlights BE any hotter? What the ding dang happened to my other sock? Oh my gawd...I'm gonna hurl. And then, before you know it, he's caressing his instrument like it was, in fact, the 3rd row hottie.

I must say that attending the Philharmonic is always a glorious adventure, if only for the wide expanse of differentiating clothing. The attire is what you might liken to a "free for all". For some ladies, visiting the William Saroyan Theatre is the biggest thing you can do in life. We're talking sequins, 3-inch heels, big jewels, even bigger hair, and enough perfume to stop a small water buffalo in his tracks. Then there are those fashion-challenged individuals who think that wearing their Sunday afternoon sweats and "good" flip flops is just the ticket for a night of Bach, Brahms and Beethoven. As a matter of fact they might take it so far as to slap a little Raid under their arms, pop a couple Tic Tacs, and put their beard in a braid. And that’s just the women. Whoo lawdy! It's girls gone wild, I'll tell ya. For folks like myself, a pair of cords and comfortable shoes will usually do the trick...it's important to look presentable, but not at the expense of a binding waistband and tummy control tights.

Of course I think it's only fair to mention, once again, that there are NEVER, EVER enough stalls in the women's restroom. What is UP with that? Could we get a few more gals into the architecture business? Can we hire some perky college graduate with a small bladder, and enough design sense to realize that it really SUCKS to wait? The next time some yahoo of the male persuasion decides to design an arena, amphitheatre or outdoor concert venue, I think we should force him to hold his water for about 47 minutes until he springs a leak. Maybe afterward, when he's gulping down erythromycin for a painful infection, he'll finally get it. He might even think to himself, hmmm, if there were just a couple MORE tiny locking cubicles, I'd have made it through the Beethoven..........

Posted by Wendy at 10:05 AM | Comments (3)

January 14, 2005

“Vulcan Mind Meld….or Things That Make You Go Hmmmm”

And now, some random thoughts. So Cinderella and I got mooned the other night, which was pretty exciting. It’s sort of comforting to know the youth of America are still actively participating in ridiculously idiotic things. In hindsight (pardon the pun), we wished we had immediately thrown the Honda into reverse, backed right up to his backside, and snapped a Polaroid. If I had been thinking really quick, I’d have slapped my glasses on, rolled down the window and yelled, “Hey! Get over here….I can’t see things that small without my specs on!” Oh well, maybe next time.

Next up, something for the “WHAT THE HELL’S WRONG WITH YOU?” category. I’m referring to the hideous local story about 6 morons who kidnapped, raped, and SOLD a 15-year-old girl for drugs, as part of a gang member initiation. Um, LOSERS. I can only imagine what sort of mental and physical scars that poor girl is going to shoulder the rest of her life. I hope she takes immensely wicked pleasure in knowing they’ll get a taste of their own terrible medicine when they’re sitting in the slammer….watch your backs boys. The whole thing makes me nauseous, and I can’t help thinking about the mothers of these criminals. Now this sort of behavior is just bound to make a mom feel real proud, don’t you think? Some men marry and have children, others become towering pillars of their community, but some testosterone-induced idiots screw up their lives and feel compelled to take innocent people down with them. If you MUST do something incredibly stupid, why not try something a bit less aggressive…like mooning, for example. You’re still a jackass, but nobody gets hurt....except a few surprised victims.

Finally, a blog-worthy blog note. You may notice under my comments posting section, there’s something new. I’m afraid I’ve been forced to make my faithful readers register before they log in from now on (but only once). This is due to the 4,000+ disgusting Spam emails I’ve received over the past year and a half. If anyone actually used these emails as a barometer of my character, well, it wouldn’t be pretty. According to them, I’m a big, fat, hairy, impotent porn freak, with a tiny member and a penchance for gambling, painkillers, bedroom toys and incestuous sex. Okay, I do enjoy a good round of Blackjack every now and then, but YEESH, some of those sites just sound way too scary. In any event, thanks to the ever-patient assistance of “The Dude”, Spam is now nothing more than a tasty treat. And dig my new background! The Dude-in-Law rocks! So let the New Year begin, with more blogs to come. You’ve been warned…


Posted by Wendy at 3:42 PM | Comments (3)