{"id":243,"date":"2024-07-23T16:21:44","date_gmt":"2024-07-24T00:21:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/?p=243"},"modified":"2024-07-24T11:17:53","modified_gmt":"2024-07-24T19:17:53","slug":"revisiting-satan","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/?p=243","title":{"rendered":"Revisiting Satan"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Summer has set in with its usual severity. ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve changed my mind.  The Devilish DMV has officially lost its moniker as the most hellish thing on earth and has been replaced by the sun.  When I tell non-residents it feels like a blast furnace outside, they think I\u2019m kidding.  I am not.  My sister Kelly, who lives in Oakland, just laughs about it.  Because up there, when the temperature hits 75 or 80, people start panicking.  They run screaming through Jack London Square, peeling off their Warriors sweatshirts, \u201cIt burns, it burns!\u201d  Lately, I\u2019ve literally been answering the phone, \u201cWelcome to Hell, Satan speaking.\u201d  Apparently, the devil himself has taken over my brain, and burned it into a pile of blackened ashes.  It\u2019s only going to be 111 degrees here today, which is better than the 114 reading we had over the weekend.  Of course, I realize that\u2019s nothing compared to other places on the map, including Redding, where they recently hit 120 degrees.  I have a cousin living there, and when I called to see if she was surviving the heat, she said her hair was on fire.  I\u2019m kidding of course, but I bet that\u2019s what it felt like.  Luckily, she has a pool to cool things off, and it wasn\u2019t quite bathwater yet.  I bet that just a couple hours later, it was a boiling witch\u2019s cauldron\u2026bubble, bubble.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am cruel thirsty this hot weather…. Nothing makes me so excessively peevish as hot weather. ~Jonathan Swift<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My younger sister Jill\u2019s A\/C went out just in time for the 4th<\/sup> of July, because some idiot plowed into a power pole and created havoc for a whole mess of cranky people.  She and her boyfriend spent the entire holiday afternoon soaking in their \u201csauna.\u201d  They never really wanted a heated swimming pool, but they got one anyway.  At least the Coors Light stayed cold enough to keep the mountains blue.  Every summer seems to get worse here, lasts forever, and seems like we\u2019re being tortured for a crime we didn\u2019t commit.  I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s actually hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk, but I bet I could whip up a plate of pancakes.  I guess I shouldn\u2019t complain too much, since I\u2019m in an air-conditioned building all day, with my trusty fan blowing.  Some of my skinny co-workers sit at their desks with flannel blankets wrapped around their bony shoulders.  A few of them even have the gall to exclaim, \u201cIt\u2019s freezing in here!\u201d  That\u2019s right sister, and it\u2019s hotter than a sizzling basket of McDonald\u2019s fries out there, so shut the hell up!  I haven\u2019t said that out loud yet, but it\u2019s only a matter of time\u2026  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Heat, Ma’am!… it was so dreadful here, that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones. ~Sydney Smith<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

At least I don\u2019t have an outside job during this heat wave, like the poor souls across the parking lot.  They\u2019re putting up a new building and are forced to use a germ-ridden Port-a-Potti.  How stinky do you think THAT thing gets when it\u2019s 113 degrees?  Yeesh. They slave away with their hard hats on, hammers banging, and one lone guy trying not to slip off the steaming roof.  Because what\u2019s better in this weather than getting just a little bit closer to the sun?  You think they fight over that spot?  \u201cHey Joe, howz about you get down here and give us boys a shot?  We\u2019re betting Tony that his boots will melt right into the asphalt tiles!\u201d  That\u2019s right, in my mind, all construction workers sound like they\u2019re from New Jersey.  But those guys have no choice, they have<\/strong> to muster through the unbearable heat if they want a paycheck.  Unlike my wacky co-workers, who have the option of staying indoors during our daily breaks.  Our building is gigantic, and you can easily get a nice little speed walk going for those 15 minutes.  Still, there are those nuts who pop in their earbuds, throw on their floppy hats, and trudge bravely out into the sizzling heat.  Who are<\/em> you people?  Some sort of sadists?  I bet your A\/C is set to 85\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once, it was so damned dry, the bushes followed the dogs around. ~Nancy Dedera<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember the salad days of summer when we were young and carefree?  All we wanted to do was run through the sprinklers, tumble down the Slip n\u2019 Slide, and ride our bikes to Thrifty for ice cream.  As we got older, we spent long afternoons lounging by the pool, slathered in Hawaiian Tropic and reading torrid Rosemary Rogers paperbacks.  Now, we just want to crank up the air, turn on Netflix, and relax with a smart beverage.  Go outside?  Have you gone mad?  No, that is not happening.  I am not a 12-year-old girl again, spraying my hair with Sun-In and downing a lime Pop Shoppe.  I am a woman of a certain age, bingeing on Bridgerton, and sipping on a frosty margarita.  But you can be any age to enjoy the fruits of our Central Valley\u2019s labor.  I\u2019m talking about the sweet strawberries, corn-on-the-cob, and juicy tomatoes that our fertile fields have to offer.  Is there anything better than a chunk of chilled watermelon, dripping down your chin?  How about a perfectly ripened peach, peeled and sliced over a bowl of vanilla ice cream?  All these delicious treats are readily available in our very own backyard.  Wait, backyard?  Outdoors?<\/em><\/strong> Ugh, when is Fresno State going to offer a corn delivery system during the summer?  I\u2019ll take twelve ears, my good man, and throw in a bottle of that amazing chocolate milk\u2026yum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Satan called. He wants his weather back. ~Internet meme<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lately, everyone has been complaining about allergy related symptoms like sneezing, watering eyes, and coughing.  I\u2019m no doctor and I don\u2019t even play one on TV, but I can pretty much guarantee all that stuff is related to the crappy air.  It hasn\u2019t just been hot, it\u2019s even been humid, and walking outside feels like breathing through a military gas mask.  One of the worst parts about this sweaty summer, is trying to keep my 90-year-old mother occupied.  Now I know what you\u2019re thinking; your 90-year-old mother needs something to do?  Isn\u2019t she knitting a blanket in her rocking chair?  Isn\u2019t she watching a series of Lifetime movies?  Ugh, I wish.  Normally, she takes her fancy walker on a few laps around the neighborhood, with Jill and my mutt Coco.  But this heat has put all that to a screeching halt.  Even though my mom is elderly, and dealing with dementia, she still has things to do.  She has her coffee while watching GMA, reads the paper, gets dressed, takes her pills, eats breakfast, waters the plants, roots for the Giants, and works on her puzzles.  She HAS to make her bed every morning, or the bedroom police will slap her with a ticket; it\u2019s a law.  She takes a shower every other day, with our help.  And even when it\u2019s 110 degrees, mom is \u201cfreezing\u201d in her bathroom, waiting for the water to heat up.  Granted, she\u2019s naked, but still.  My only saving grace is that we\u2019re halfway through the year, and this heat must eventually relent.  Soon, I\u2019ll be looking forward to the second most annoying thing to whine about – Christmas decorations in October.  Scary!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At night, hot weather opens the skull of a city, exposing its white brain and its central nerves, which sizzle like the inside of an electric-light bulb. ~Truman Capote<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve changed my mind.\u00a0 The Devilish DMV has officially lost its moniker as the most hellish thing on earth and has been replaced by the sun.\u00a0 When I tell non-residents it feels like a blast furnace outside, they think I\u2019m kidding.\u00a0 I am not.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":248,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-243","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/243","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=243"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/243\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":249,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/243\/revisions\/249"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/248"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=243"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=243"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=243"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}