{"id":41,"date":"2005-10-17T11:32:44","date_gmt":"2005-10-17T19:32:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thedude.com\/~wendy\/?p=41"},"modified":"2008-12-13T11:33:22","modified_gmt":"2008-12-13T19:33:22","slug":"hot-wheels","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/?p=41","title":{"rendered":"HOT WHEELS"},"content":{"rendered":"

So I was cruising down the freeway this morning at my usual Batmobile speed, trying to break the sound barrier, when a light bulb popped over my cranium. What we rat race members need to do, is officially assign an appropriate name for each lane on the bustling highways and byways of America. It appears that people like me, who actually have to BE <\/strong><\/em>somewhere at a pre-designated time, are being held back by the folk who just can’t seem to find the gas pedal. Or the idiots yakking on their phones, having arm-flailing conversations with their passengers, while simultaneously stuffing an Egg McMuffin into their overheated jaws. Not to mention the yahoos going around the world to the left, who haven’t turned their blinkers off since 1983; a phenomenon observed by Jerry Seinfeld as “an eventual left”. And so, good people of the USA, here are some of my profound suggestions for lane names; movie-related, of course:<\/p>\n

The Office Space:<\/strong><\/span> “It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care”. <\/em>This lane is reserved for those who really DO have to be at work, but just can’t seem to muster up the enthusiasm to go faster than 57 mph\u2026\u2026in the fast lane.<\/p>\n

The Clueless<\/strong><\/span><\/strong>: “Why would I listen to you anyway? You’re a virgin who can’t drive”. <\/em>This lane would actually be equipped like a car wash; the automobile is on tracks, so no steering is required. Thus, leaving both hands free for mascara and lip-gloss application, cell phone text messaging, and best-girlfriend socialization.<\/p>\n

The What’s Up, Doc?: <\/strong><\/span><\/strong> “Well, there’s not much to see, really, we’re inside a Chinese <\/em>dragon”. <\/em>For those knuckleheads who couldn’t find their way in OR<\/strong> out of a Chinese dragon, forgetting their exit until the very last minute, and veering through 3 lanes of cranky commuters in 5 seconds flat.<\/p>\n

The Blues Brothers<\/span>:<\/strong> \u201cIt’s 106 miles to Chicago, we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of<\/em> cigarettes, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses\u201d. <\/em>Strictly for professionals, an 85 mph and over lane, where people, literally, drive like they’re on a \u201cmission from God\u201d.<\/p>\n

The Forrest Gump<\/span>:<\/strong> \u201cStupid is, as stupid does.\u201d<\/em> Either they just fell off the proverbial turnip truck, can’t speak in complete sentences, or are truly plain stupid. For all the boneheads who can’t seem to grasp the term, \u201cmerge\u201d, I present this lane idea. If you can’t get your tired ass over long enough to let in at least ONE<\/strong> oncoming car, you get sucked into the vortex of a massive underground tube, shot into the bowels of a gigantic shrimp boat, and are forced to eat boxes of bad Russell Stover chocolates for eternity.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So I was cruising down the freeway this morning at my usual Batmobile speed, trying to break the sound barrier, when a light bulb popped over my cranium. What we rat race members need to do, is officially assign an appropriate name for each lane on the bustling highways and byways of America. It appears…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-41","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=41"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":42,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41\/revisions\/42"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=41"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=41"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wendy.thedude.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=41"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}