Summer has set in with its usual severity. ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge
I’ve changed my mind. The Devilish DMV has officially lost its moniker as the most hellish thing on earth and has been replaced by the sun. When I tell non-residents it feels like a blast furnace outside, they think I’m kidding. I am not. My sister Kelly, who lives in Oakland, just laughs about it. Because up there, when the temperature hits 75 or 80, people start panicking. They run screaming through Jack London Square, peeling off their Warriors sweatshirts, “It burns, it burns!” Lately, I’ve literally been answering the phone, “Welcome to Hell, Satan speaking.” Apparently, the devil himself has taken over my brain, and burned it into a pile of blackened ashes. It’s only going to be 111 degrees here today, which is better than the 114 reading we had over the weekend. Of course, I realize that’s nothing compared to other places on the map, including Redding, where they recently hit 120 degrees. I have a cousin living there, and when I called to see if she was surviving the heat, she said her hair was on fire. I’m kidding of course, but I bet that’s what it felt like. Luckily, she has a pool to cool things off, and it wasn’t quite bathwater yet. I bet that just a couple hours later, it was a boiling witch’s cauldron…bubble, bubble.
I am cruel thirsty this hot weather…. Nothing makes me so excessively peevish as hot weather. ~Jonathan Swift
My younger sister Jill’s A/C went out just in time for the 4th of July, because some idiot plowed into a power pole and created havoc for a whole mess of cranky people. She and her boyfriend spent the entire holiday afternoon soaking in their “sauna.” They never really wanted a heated swimming pool, but they got one anyway. At least the Coors Light stayed cold enough to keep the mountains blue. Every summer seems to get worse here, lasts forever, and seems like we’re being tortured for a crime we didn’t commit. I don’t know if it’s actually hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk, but I bet I could whip up a plate of pancakes. I guess I shouldn’t complain too much, since I’m in an air-conditioned building all day, with my trusty fan blowing. Some of my skinny co-workers sit at their desks with flannel blankets wrapped around their bony shoulders. A few of them even have the gall to exclaim, “It’s freezing in here!” That’s right sister, and it’s hotter than a sizzling basket of McDonald’s fries out there, so shut the hell up! I haven’t said that out loud yet, but it’s only a matter of time…
Heat, Ma’am!… it was so dreadful here, that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones. ~Sydney Smith
At least I don’t have an outside job during this heat wave, like the poor souls across the parking lot. They’re putting up a new building and are forced to use a germ-ridden Port-a-Potti. How stinky do you think THAT thing gets when it’s 113 degrees? Yeesh. They slave away with their hard hats on, hammers banging, and one lone guy trying not to slip off the steaming roof. Because what’s better in this weather than getting just a little bit closer to the sun? You think they fight over that spot? “Hey Joe, howz about you get down here and give us boys a shot? We’re betting Tony that his boots will melt right into the asphalt tiles!” That’s right, in my mind, all construction workers sound like they’re from New Jersey. But those guys have no choice, they have to muster through the unbearable heat if they want a paycheck. Unlike my wacky co-workers, who have the option of staying indoors during our daily breaks. Our building is gigantic, and you can easily get a nice little speed walk going for those 15 minutes. Still, there are those nuts who pop in their earbuds, throw on their floppy hats, and trudge bravely out into the sizzling heat. Who are you people? Some sort of sadists? I bet your A/C is set to 85…
Once, it was so damned dry, the bushes followed the dogs around. ~Nancy Dedera
Remember the salad days of summer when we were young and carefree? All we wanted to do was run through the sprinklers, tumble down the Slip n’ Slide, and ride our bikes to Thrifty for ice cream. As we got older, we spent long afternoons lounging by the pool, slathered in Hawaiian Tropic and reading torrid Rosemary Rogers paperbacks. Now, we just want to crank up the air, turn on Netflix, and relax with a smart beverage. Go outside? Have you gone mad? No, that is not happening. I am not a 12-year-old girl again, spraying my hair with Sun-In and downing a lime Pop Shoppe. I am a woman of a certain age, bingeing on Bridgerton, and sipping on a frosty margarita. But you can be any age to enjoy the fruits of our Central Valley’s labor. I’m talking about the sweet strawberries, corn-on-the-cob, and juicy tomatoes that our fertile fields have to offer. Is there anything better than a chunk of chilled watermelon, dripping down your chin? How about a perfectly ripened peach, peeled and sliced over a bowl of vanilla ice cream? All these delicious treats are readily available in our very own backyard. Wait, backyard? Outdoors? Ugh, when is Fresno State going to offer a corn delivery system during the summer? I’ll take twelve ears, my good man, and throw in a bottle of that amazing chocolate milk…yum.
Satan called. He wants his weather back. ~Internet meme
Lately, everyone has been complaining about allergy related symptoms like sneezing, watering eyes, and coughing. I’m no doctor and I don’t even play one on TV, but I can pretty much guarantee all that stuff is related to the crappy air. It hasn’t just been hot, it’s even been humid, and walking outside feels like breathing through a military gas mask. One of the worst parts about this sweaty summer, is trying to keep my 90-year-old mother occupied. Now I know what you’re thinking; your 90-year-old mother needs something to do? Isn’t she knitting a blanket in her rocking chair? Isn’t she watching a series of Lifetime movies? Ugh, I wish. Normally, she takes her fancy walker on a few laps around the neighborhood, with Jill and my mutt Coco. But this heat has put all that to a screeching halt. Even though my mom is elderly, and dealing with dementia, she still has things to do. She has her coffee while watching GMA, reads the paper, gets dressed, takes her pills, eats breakfast, waters the plants, roots for the Giants, and works on her puzzles. She HAS to make her bed every morning, or the bedroom police will slap her with a ticket; it’s a law. She takes a shower every other day, with our help. And even when it’s 110 degrees, mom is “freezing” in her bathroom, waiting for the water to heat up. Granted, she’s naked, but still. My only saving grace is that we’re halfway through the year, and this heat must eventually relent. Soon, I’ll be looking forward to the second most annoying thing to whine about – Christmas decorations in October. Scary!
At night, hot weather opens the skull of a city, exposing its white brain and its central nerves, which sizzle like the inside of an electric-light bulb. ~Truman Capote