“If they would rather die,” said Scrooge, “they had better do it and decrease the surplus population.” A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens
So it’s the holiday season here in the hinterland, and the reason I know is not because of all the twinkling lights, decorated pine trees, wrapped presents, mind-numbing piped in Christmas music, or shivering-in-line-at-4:00-am-shopping-mall-freaks. Nope, the real reason is that the dreaded tulle fog has arrived. That’s right kids, it’s time for the pea soup to froth up and steam over and work it’s scary, spooky self into the streets and fruit orchards of Fresno, like a bubbling cauldron of witches brew. I was feeling very much like Adrienne Barbeau on the way to work this morning, except for the fact that my chest is a whole lot smaller. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080749/ Yes, this is the fog of Hitchcock films and nightmarish dreams everywhere, turning the moon into a milky snow globe, and ancient fig trees into replicas of gloomy stick figures. Can you say Tim Burton? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107688/ Our fog has a mind of it’s own, gently wrapping it’s ghostly fingers around car headlights, feeding through the hub cabs, and swimming past the windshield like some terrifying underwater apparition. Weird stuff.
And what would this time of year be without the annual stroll through Fig Garden’s magical Christmas Tree Lane? With all it’s crystal lighting, cardboard cutouts, and merry carolers. http://www.oldfig.org/about/christmastreelane.html Cinderella and I agreed to accompany Dot for this happy outing, via the well-advertised shuttle service the shopping center was providing. Which I have to say, in hindsight, seemed like an ingenious plan on our part. Unfortunately, every other person in the San Joaquin Valley had the same brilliant idea. In fact, the Fig Garden parking lot was wedged unmercifully tight with a teeming mass of automobiles, a cranky driver behind each wheel, while exhibiting some pretty un-merry-like behavior. I never knew the middle finger could be shaped quite effortlessly into the shape of a candy cane.
After expending much energy (and several shots of tequila) searching for parking, we gave up on the whole crazy shuttle plan, schlepped over to our destination, and enjoyed a frosty frolic thru blocks of PG&E-overloaded houses, gasping at the emerald green wow-isn’t-it-December-and-look-at-that-frickin’-fluffy-lawn, and all the gated-don’t-come-a-knockin’ properties. Thanks for visiting, we love seeing you average everyday yahoos once a year who can’t afford our shopping center, now get back to Fashion Fair, or tell your story walkin’ before I call a cop…see you this time next year, when we’ll be better armed. And yes, the mayor will be at our mansion XMAS Eve, a hot toddy clutched in his chubby hand, extolling things like, “wow, I wish I was still a TV star…politics sucks!”
http://www.cbsnews.com/elements/2003/08/08/in_depth_politics/whoswho567341_0_12_person.shtml
After reaching the goal line at Gazebo Gardens, where we naively assumed there would be transportation waiting to zoom us back to where we started, we discovered that, well, actually, no….there wasn’t. As a matter of fact, NOBODY seemed to possess the answer to the question we all had; where the ding dang were the buses? Where were the SIGNS pointing the way to the buses? Where was the trail of breadcrumbs? We decided to head back, and after Cinderella played “man-on-the-street”, asking every antler-wearing grown-up if they knew the whereabouts of the aforementioned buses, we hit the mother lode. A very generous blonde with a couple of exhausted rugrats showed us the way, and we scampered up a darkened, no-light-to-be-found-anywhere neighborhood street…only to, literally, miss the bus. I could have almost touched the tire rim with my gloved paw, we were so close. As luck would have it, we were rescued by a jolly saint named Julia, in a Best Tours bus, who regaled us with stories of misbehaved children, and gamblers en route to Reno. And even though her silver sleigh could hold 47 passengers, we were the only revelers aboard…just us, Julia, the rain, and the slapping of the windshield wipers. Oh, and the rest of the tequila.
In the end, we landed at Dot and Frank’s pad, where mass amounts of steaming tortellini soup was consumed (uh, no squash for me, thanks), and several glasses of ruby Cabernet. All in all, an experience you can only find in fine metropolitan cities…or on the Discovery Channel. So as the countdown to the final days of Christmas begins, here are some treats that always make me feel warm and fuzzy, stuffed and happy, and even a little reminiscent of simpler times. The holiday season would not be complete without: “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, (best XMAS music EVER), Glen Campbell’s “Pretty Paper”, Barbra Streisand’s “Ave Maria”, “Scrooged“, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096061/ mom’s to-die-for toffee, Aunt Mary’s sticky popcorn balls, eggnog/brandy, cinnamon/nutmeg, roaring fires, Kiss cookies, Finnish bread (YUM), “A Christmas Carol” (1970 musical w/Albert Finney), http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0066344/
“Scrooge” (1951 classic w/Alistair Sim), and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” (Bumbles bounce!) But most importantly, it’s about being with friends and family, sharing the good times, singing carols, making memories…ah, who am I kidding….bring on the presents!!! Happy Holidays to all, and here�s to 2006!