I am so in love with my family, it’s sickening. Here I am, in my cousin’s old childhood bedroom, staring at faded photographs, and not even recognizing myself. Pathetic. But, time rolls on, and I can’t be expected to look as good in a bikini, cut off shorts, and halter-tops as I did when I was 12. Which would be WHY I haven’t worn ANY of those since I was 12. When I was in about 6th or 7th grade, I was asked to write an essay about my favorite place. I chose my aunt and uncle’s house up in Redding, where the summers are hotter than blazes, and the Sacramento River plugs along with rafters cruising across her surface. http://www.ci.redding.ca.us/ But more importantly, it’s where I spent some of my favorite vacations as a kid, frying my skin to a crisp, feeding mallards, and swimming, swimming, swimming, until my toes were completely pruned.
Of course, things have changed a bit; now I have to use the SPF4000, wear a big old lady straw hat, and instead of being exposed, most of my “junior heifer” size body is well covered. No bikinis here. It’s anywhere from a 4 to 6 hour drive to Redding from Fresno, depending on how fast you zoom up the freeway. I did it in 5 hours last Saturday, but it still doesn’t compete with the time my aforementioned cousin and I did it in 4 hours at midnight, blaring Madonna, and hoping his parents still had the bar open. My Portland-dwelling cousin was there to greet me this time around, and before you could say, “How’s the water?” I had the blender whirling up some frozen Jose Cuervo treats. http://www.josecuervo.com/
As a child, I used to think my aunt and uncle’s house was like a mansion. It was 2 stories, had a built in pool with slide, a huge yard with fruit trees, and various exotic species of wildlife. Well, to me they were exotic — we didn-t have too many beavers, otters, blue herons, snowy egrets, and geese inhabiting our backyard. Things are pretty much the same on Sacramento Drive, except for a few minor alterations. The pool is now a black bottom, the furniture and wallpaper have been replaced, and the neighbors have changed several times. However, the biggest difference is that my aunt and uncle have retired. My aunt agrees with one of her friendly cronies; when you’re retired, you change your clothes an awful lot. She says she has to change her clothes before going to the store, after working in the yard, before hitting the pool, and even getting ready to play 18 holes on the golf course. Thus, the reason I could never be retired at this stage in my life; I just don’t have the extensive wardrobe required.
In addition, retired folk definitely have the time and resources to come up with some interesting household fixer-upper ideas. For example, my relative’s ancient CD player no longer closes properly, so my aunt has cleverly engineered a brilliant solution; masking tape. I told her Duct Tape would have been a much better color match for the black machine, but she’s pretty happy with the results. http://www.ducttapeguys.com/ And my uncle, being the unofficial “Tomato King” of Shasta County, has rigged up one gigantic 7-foot plant, using nothing but an old pair of my aunt’s thrashed nylons. If you’re thinking this is not a pretty sight, you’re right. But I’m sure the neighbors are enjoying it. And like a true royal, my uncle dons his crown (straw hat) and scepter (cane) first thing every morning, to flush out and rid his land of pesky peasants (spiders). He spends so much time tending to his “acreage”, that my aunt has a plan to slap one of those prison bracelets on his ankle, in order to locate him amid their extensive garden.“Dennis! Get back on our property!”
Boy, who knew retirement could be so complicated and time consuming? And now, more ways to have fun with retired folk:
1) Hand them a tire pump, and gleefully watch how long it takes to blow up a child’s animal-shaped pool float. Quite amusing.
2) There’s nothing that makes a retired guy more proud, than being able to hold his mailbox together with a bungee cord. Modern technology at it’s finest.
3) An aunt who doesn’t enjoy cooking or cleaning very much will worry about un-ironed dinner napkins for about 6 whole seconds — then get over it in a big hurry.
4) A male type retired person will load a completely CLEAN stack of freshly hand-washed dishes into the dishwasher, just because the machine was 90% full and he “would have turned it on anyway”. Heavy sigh.
5) Trying to convince a retired person that Peet’s, Starbucks, or any other coffee stronger than Folgers is a GOOD thing, is simply not worth the effort. Just count your losses and have a Diet Pepsi instead.
6) Even though they’re WAY older to know better, a retired couple can still find ways to act like 5 year olds on the playground. Using scotch tape to divide a table in half, so nobody’s cocktail touches the other’s is just, well, juvenile. Go to your room and take a time out!
Aside from all these fabulously freaky events, the 4th of July weekend was pretty ding dang good, considering we could have literally fried an entire Denny’s “Grand Slam” breakfast on the cement. http://www.dennys.com/en/ The pool was refreshing, the margaritas, vodka fizzes, martinis and gallons of vino kept us all cool and happy. Not to mention the potato salad, BBQ’d chicken, yummy filets and strawberry crepes — delish! And the lowing of the neighboring cows in the evening was the perfect way to ease into a dreamy night filled with stars.
But more importantly, it was a learning experience. And what did I learn? Unloading and stacking firewood in July is just wrong. Two five-hour drives in one weekend, causing major sciatic leg pain, are much easier to take with Shania Twain and hurricane-force air conditioning. http://www.shaniatwain.com/ However, now that I’ve grown up and life is more complicated, I eagerly look forward to the lengthy Redding journey…and that 12 year-old kid I become when I get there.